NAVIGATING ANXIETY RELATED TO SEX, RELATIONSHIPS & INTIMACY

Does the idea of sex and/or physical intimacy cause a feeling of instant panic? This fear-based response may cause your heart to race, your breath to shallow, or your mind to devise dozens of situations or excuses to avoid the situation. Sound familiar? If it does, don’t worry. This experience is common (25% of the population common), and these anxieties surrounding sex and intimacy can appear in many different ways.  

In an intimate environment, especially when others are present, ways anxiety presents itself may include (but not be limited to): concerns about performance, worries about sexual health and conception, fears of feeling pain or discomfort, trauma from past relationships, and insecurities about body image. In other terms, anxiety can present itself as imagining all the different ways something can go wrong and having a plan on how to recover from it already before it even happens. One positive way to look at it is that it`s your body’s way of protecting yourself. Your anxiety is a messenger and it’s trying to tell you something about yourself. So, what is it trying to say? 

Concerns About Performance 

Sexual performance anxiety can happen to anyone - and it can appear for various reasons: a history of sexual dysfunction, fears of feeling behind or inexperienced, worries about pleasing your partner(s), or concerns about your own arousal. 

First of all, you aren’t falling behind because there is no one else to follow. You are exactly where you are supposed to be and it’s ok to not have it all figured out. Sex is about experimentation - finding out what works for you, what doesn’t, and how to make that work with what your partner(s) enjoy too. The good news is that nothing is final - you can always change it up and try new things to make it work for any type of connection. The biggest tool for getting through these anxieties is communication. Communicating regularly and openly about sex is linked to better relationships and sexual satisfaction. 

If you are unsure where to start, you can begin by educating yourself through research, reading, and asking questions to professionals. Sex is not limited to just penetration, there are many different ways to have and enjoy sex. Finding out what works best for you and expressing what you enjoy is a great way to work through anxieties about pleasure and performance. 

For sexual performance, products like Stud 100 and Kama Sutra Prolong help desensitize the penis to help sex last longer and heighten pleasure for everyone involved.

Slow Sex Mouthwatering Spray is your best ally during foreplay - assisting with extra salivation for oral sex. 

For arousal, products such as our Hathor Aphrodisia Lubricant, Slow Sex Nipple Play Gel, and Pjur Vibrating Orgasm Gel can help with sexual stimulation of sensitive areas to enhance pleasure. 

When you communicate what you enjoy, and focus on pleasure in the moment, as opposed to pleasure as just a finish line, concerns about performance and arousal are quick to disappear. 

Worries About Sexual Health & Conception 

The number one weapon against worries around sexual health and conception is education. Education is power, and when you have that power you can battle many of the invasive thoughts that may appear. 

When it comes to sexual health, our education has been deeply flawed. It is commonly preventative- and abstinence-based with a strong emphasis on all the negative reasons why we shouldn’t do it (“You’re gonna get pregnant and die” scene from Mean Girls, anyone?). But there’s not as much focus on the good that comes with it - like pleasure and connection. So, naturally, the rootof our anxieties around sexual health and conception is how we talk about sex, how we condition people to talk about sex, and our response to that. How are we talking about sex with our partners/friends/etc.? Are we advocating for more progressive ways to talk about it within our communities? 

Luckily, right now we are in a really beautiful time when we are destigmatizing these topics by normalizing the conversations that surround them. Making education less rooted in shame, and more LGBTQIA+ inclusive and pleasure-informed. It is also important to ask health professionals any questions you may have and to do your own reading and research on topics that interest you or you would like to know more about. 

The more you know, the more you will be able to advocate for yourself and your pleasure, and the more confident you will be to walk away from something that you are not comfortable with. 

When it comes to sexual health and safety, condoms such as our Lifestyles Skyn Non-Latex Condoms and Female Condoms help protect against pregnancy and Sexually Transmitted Infections (STIs) during sexual intercourse, and our assorted flavours of Dental Dams are designed to use during oral/vaginal and oral/anal sex to also prevent the transmission of STIs. 

Fears of Pain/Discomfort 

For some people, the first conversations we have about sex are about the physical, emotional, and psychological pain it can cause us. And for people who already experience sexual pain (Endometriosis, Vaginismus, etc.), the fear of feeling that discomfort regularly is reason enough to avoid sexual intimacy. It can sometimes feel like discomfort is normalized (especially for vulva owners) - and it shouldn’t be. 

The misogyny of the medical system (where pain is often overlooked instead of seen as a valid health concern) and the exposure to negative portrayals of sex in the media can feel disheartening, to say the least. But in the battle against fear- and shame-based portrayals of sex - there are some important things to remember: 

1. Specialists exist and are here to help you - Sex Therapists, Pelvic Floor Therapists, and Gynecologists for example. There is specific help for almost everything if you are open to looking for it - and where your experiences will be both validated and addressed.
   
   In the store, we also have a few things that can help with sex-related pain: The OhNut is a stretchy 4-ring buffer designed to customize penetration depth and increase comfort and connection. Lubricants can also assist with painful penetration, such as the Intimate Earth Bliss Anal Lubricant, a water-based glide that relaxes but doesn’t numb to assist with the ease of anal insertion.
   
   
2. There isn’t just one way to have sex. There are multiple ways to engage in sexual intimacy. If one way of having sex isn’t enjoyable for you, there’s nothing wrong with that!
   
   There are many more ways to explore sexually than just penetration - solo play, mutual masturbation, oral sex, and foreplay to name a few! Our massage oils, dripping candles, games, and selection of paddles and whips are a great way to play and explore in the bedroom. 

Trauma from Past Experiences

When it comes to sex and intimacy, the most important thing to trust is yourself and your gut. If something doesn’t feel right or if you are not ready, you don’t have to do it! It’s ok to not be ready and it’s more than ok to say no or even change your mind. 

The more you educate yourself on what does and doesn’t work for you, the better boundaries you will have and the more you will be able to trust yourself in new situations. If you are comfortable, it is also great to share your thoughts and experiences with your trusted community - friends, family, health practitioners, therapists, etc. Community-based healing can help you recover from past experiences and remind you that you are not alone.

Another good way to gain trust in both new and current relationships is to get to know each other’s love languages - the way you give and receive love. When you communicate how you feel the most loved and surround yourself with people who follow suit, your connections will feel more and more like a safe space. 

Insecurities About Body Image 

When it comes to navigating insecurities, you can’t always control how others perceive you or act, but you can control your response to it. You can control what media you consume and are exposed to, the language you use when talking about others, and especially the way you talk to yourself. 

You can make positive changes to your body image by following accounts that make you feel good - like people who are confident and uplifting - unfollowing the ones that don’t make you feel good, and repeating positive affirmations to yourself to train your subconscious every day. 

I appreciate my body for everything it does for me 

I love my body and it deserves the best 

I feel confident in my body

And when it comes to feeling confident - a sexy lingerie set can always help too. At Honey Gifts, we’ve got a range of beautiful sets to make you look and feel your best!