People begin their exploration with self-pleasure at a wide range of ages, some start before puberty, and some don’t explore masturbation until well into adulthood. At any stage, people of all genders are affected by internalized shame around self-pleasure. This shame may be introduced, for example, by a religious leader, by a parent, or by the mere fact that no one you know has ever talked about it.

Another reason people might feel embarrassment or shame is noticing that you seem to “do it differently” than the way they talk about it on TV or show it in porn. Maybe you don’t like penetration but the media tries to convince you that you’re missing the “main event”. Maybe you prefer to keep your underwear on the whole time, but you don’t mention it to your partner because you’re worried they will be offended or confused. My goal is to normalize methods of self-pleasure that are less frequently discussed, and hopefully give the reader some comfort in knowing that others enjoy similar things. These are all methods of masturbation relevant to female anatomy or anatomy that includes a vulva, a vagina, and/or a clitoris.

Now let's dive in and eliminate shame and doubt around masturbation! Or maybe learn something new to try out!

SHOWER HEAD/BATH FAUCET: The shower is a great place to masturbate. Not only is it usually private, and sometimes the only opportunity for privacy, but there are also built-in toys! There are many ways to use shower heads for pleasure, but it does depend on the type you have. Removable shower heads are the easiest way to adjust the positioning and intensity to your liking, and you can even crouch or sit on the floor of the shower if the length permits. Some shower heads have a “massage” setting that is very intense and can be painful on the skin. To get the intensity without it becoming painful, try adjusting the dial somewhere between the sprinkle setting and the massage setting!

The bath faucet is, sadly, more physically demanding. The positioning will depend on how close the faucet is to the wall, and how wide of a space there is for you to lay down with your legs spread open. But that’s basically it! Scoot your butt under the faucet, find a good spot, and lay back and relax! Something to note is that your body will likely be blocking the drain, and depending on how long you are staying there, the bath may start to fill up. You can place your hands or an object under your butt to raise it, allowing water to flow down the drain, or you can just let it fill up a little and drain it afterward. 

PILLOW HUMPING: Grinding on a pillow (or, yes, a stuffed animal) is a popular technique. You can add in a toy for increased stimulation, such as a vibe pad or a wand, which you can place on top of the pillow or fasten it down somehow (try rope or bondage tape). Another option for enhancing grinding is using an insertable hands-free toy, such as the Chorus, or an external hands-free toy such as the Ferri. 

RUBBING OR VIBING THROUGH UNDERWEAR: For many people, direct stimulation of the clitoral head is too intense and can be irritating or painful. Stimulating with fingers through your underwear is a great way to avoid the intensity of skin-to-skin friction. Vibrators also work very well through underwear, and the extra layer of fabric in between can enhance the feeling for some. Vibrators with a deep, rumbly vibration, such as toys made by the brand Je Joue, are especially suitable for vibing through your underwear. Other methods for those who feel direct clitoral stimulation to be unpleasant include using fingers/vibrators off to the side of the clitoris or through the less-sensitive clitoral hood. 

EXTERNAL ONLY: Focusing only on external clitoral stimulation during solo sessions is extremely common. There are so many toys designed just for this! And if you dislike penetration, or feel indifferent to it, there is no reason to be doing it when masturbating. And while partnered sex for many people includes penetration, if you dislike it, consider chatting with your partner about other ways to pleasure each other.

There are so many toys out there for internal stimulation, so it comes across like everyone loves it. The truth is, there is so much diversity in what people enjoy regarding penetration, including but not limited to:

• Enjoying the feeling of thrusting but not caring for internal vibration (or vice versa)
• Enjoying the feeling of fullness but not experiencing any explicit sexual stimulation from penetration
• Enjoying penetration psychologically, by witnessing their partner enjoying it
• Enjoying penetration only when accompanied by external stimulation (i.e. stimulating the clitoral body from the outside and the inside at the same time) 
• Not enjoying penetration at all
• Actively disliking penetration for various reasons, including pain or psychological trauma.

The bottom line: masturbating (or engaging in partnered sex) without any penetration involved is VALID!

DRY: Representations of how sex and masturbation “should” look and feel, such as in porn, often have us believe that it should ALWAYS be super wet and sloppy. While adequate lubrication is important for skin-to-skin stimulation that involves creating friction, some people find more pleasure in stimulating the clitoris without friction. If you’re having a hard time seeing what this might look like, try taking 2-4 fingers and rubbing them on the back of your arm in circles like you are applying lotion. That is the friction option. Now take the same fingers and press down a little harder. Move them in small circles taking the skin along with them. Your fingers are always touching the same section of skin, and there is no friction. 

If your favourite technique isn’t here, it’s still valid and I guarantee you there are others out there who also do it. Orgasm may be the goal of masturbation, but it doesn’t have to be! Some people masturbate for an easy orgasm, to release tension, or a way to help them fall asleep. Some see it as self-care, alone time, or sensual exploration! There is no right way to masturbate and no right reason to be doing it!