Many people enter Honey Gifts looking for a sex toy. Some people also mention that their partner would feel jealous or inadequate if they bought a toy, or that they may have to hide it from their partner. A common response from a partner is: “Why do you need a toy? Am I not enough?” And while often meant jokingly, this can be a harmful comment that harbours shame. 

Many people, especially those with vulvas, find it easier to have an orgasm with toys. Why is it still so hard to talk about? Let’s go through some common myths that pose barriers to couples introducing toys into their sex lives. 

Myth #1: Using a toy during partnered sex means your partner is “bad” at sex

The truth is, everyone is unique, and what feels good for each person can be drastically different. There is no objective way to be “good” at sex. If your time in bed together is filled with performance anxiety and the pressure to impress, using toys can offer you both the opportunity to focus on experiencing pleasure and learning what each other likes. Toys can take the pressure off everyone and allow you to simply surrender to pleasure together. 

Hot tip: You can use toys on yourself to demonstrate for each other what brings you the most pleasure. 

Myth #2: People should only use toys for solo sex

A set of studies at Indiana University found that vibrator use during partnered sex is common, with 53% of women between ages 18-60 reporting that they use vibrators with a partner. Additionally, the studies found that vibrator use is associated with positive sexual function, comfort with one’s body, and proactive behavior regarding one’s sexual health.

Did you know: any toy can be incorporated into partnered sex? While some are called “couples toys”, that only refers to certain designs (often handsfree, and often referring to something that can be used during penetrative sex). However, if you are uncomfortable with the idea of introducing toys that only stimulate one partner, try starting with something that will stimulate both of you at the same time. For example:

• Wands are great for two people with vulvas to hold between them. The handle is long so you can easily keep it in position. The vibrating head has a large surface area, which helps make sure each partner can maintain contact at the right spot even with movement. 
• Insertable double-ended dildos, such as the Strap-on-me Vibrating Bendable Strap-On, offer vibration and stimulation for both the giving and the receiving partner, and are suitable for both vaginal and anal penetration.
• Remote control toys can engage both of you by handing over control of the vibrations to your partner.
• Vibrating rings, such as the Lelo Tor 3, offer vibration to the shaft of a penis as well as to the clitoris of a receiving partner.
• Couples toys, as they are commonly called, such as the We-Vibe Chorus, offer hands-free vibrations for both partners during penetrative intercourse.

Myth #3: Toys will desensitize you 

Within a session, using strong vibrating toys may lead to desensitization temporarily, which is very common, even with manual stimulation. Many people, using vibrators or not, need breaks from intense stimulation to regain full sensation. Using a vibrator regularly to achieve orgasm can make your brain and body get used to the sensation and you may end up reaching for your vibrator in order to reach orgasm more easily.

If you use a vibrator every time you have solo or partnered sex, that’s great! Enjoy! If you have previously found satisfaction without vibrators and want to return to that for any reason, try setting aside some alone time every day (or whenever possible) to PRACTICE stimulating yourself manually again. With some patience, consistency, and dedication, you will likely* be able to re-teach your body and mind to respond to manual touch in the ways it did before. Be patient and give yourself up to several weeks of practice without judgment.

*Note that some medications, cause side effects that affect one’s ease in feeling arousal, experiencing sensation, or reaching orgasm. Be kind to yourself! You do not need to expect yourself to find satisfaction in the same ways as before starting the medication. Explore different toys and have fun finding new ways to experience pleasure! 

Hot tip: toys like the Lovense Hyphy and the Lelo Dot have a special design to provide pinpoint vibrations to a specific area and avoid overstimulation or desensitization of the vulva during a session.

Myth #4: Using toys is an unnatural way to have sex 

Indeed, vibrating sex toys are typically made of plastic, metal, or silicone, but there are many natural options for non-vibrating toys, such as glass and crystal. And remember, sex is more than reproduction. Societal beliefs around sex are still hanging on to some pesky notions of “naturalness,” rooted in the idea of sex being a tool to achieve reproduction. These beliefs deny the important role of pleasure, especially the pleasure of people with vulvas.

Now how to actually talk to your partner about toys? You may find it difficult to mention it during sex, or you may even find it hard to talk about the idea of buying a toy to use together. Here are some tips:

• Talk about it outside of the sexual context, such as over dinner. This avoids any pressure that may be present when things are heating up.
• Introduce the topic with curiosity. “Have you ever used toys with a partner? Have you ever used them alone? What did you like or dislike about it?” 
• Do some research for yourself first, to see what options are out there. Visit our website or come in-store to talk to our knowledgeable sales associates. 
• Make a date out of it and go shopping together. Sales associates at Honey Gifts are happy to answer your questions, and you can get a feel for the different options by turning on the testers.
• If your partner is not open to it, open up the space to examine together why that might be and if it is overcomable. 
• Remember that your partner can only have control over their own desires and actions and should not be asserting control over yours non-consensually. If using toys is something you want but your partner does not, you can save them for your solo sex sessions (and yes, masturbation while in a relationship is completely normal!)